Do Kender Get Depressed?
by Keri Rodgers
No, we most certainly do not! Depression is for wizards who fail their tests,
(lucky stiffs), and minotaurs who get moo-ed at too many times, and brothers who
lose their twins to evilness, and doorknobs insulted by dwarves who have the gumption
to a) lock them and b) use them as a derogatory knock-name (door knob, door, knock
on door, hah. hah..) Well, a nick name. Ok, yeah, dwarves who attempt to insult
kender by using a doorknob. (Although I think it might make more of an impression
if the stubby excuse for a mole actually hit the kender with it.. hmm.. another
dwarven weapon coming on? Or perhaps kender, insulted by locked doorknobs, take
to collecting them to lob back at dwarves who call them 'doorknobs..') Where was
I? Oh yes. Depressed kender. Well, it just doesn't happen.
What? What'd you say? You said *her* name, didn't you? Oh, don't look at my
like that! I'm from Hylo, myself. Helped run a lost and found booth in the Great
Bazar 'till I was sixteen, then Wanderlust hit me. That was.. oh.. maybe six
years after "Oops, it happened again 2" or whatever we're calling that second
boo-boo the good ol' Krynnish powers pulled on us. (If I were Tacky, I'd hole
up in her level of Baator for a few centures and just wait to fade out.. give
the Bleakers and the Godsmen something to gloat about!) Anyways, I guess what
I was trying to say that wanderlust hit me six years after the second cataclysm,
but that's not what I'm really getting at.
Oh, you're wondering who *she* is. Well, I'm getting to that. Bear with me.
Do I sound old? Really? Well, when you've seen as much as I have (Silvanesti
closests are very interesting this time of year.) you get to notice these things.
The biggest thing on my maps today are that range of mountains that sprung
up in Goodlund. More specifically, right where Kendermore used to be. And that's
where *she* holed up, right in that mountain, scaring (yes! scaring!) everybody
outta kendermore. Well, it sure put my daisies in a knot! I may as well use
her name; I'd kick her in the snout if I could and not think twice about getting
flamed for it. Yes, Malys. That great big red horned COW who's dumped her fat,
ugly, scaled, pathetic, lizard-legged, bat-winged excuse for an overgrown Athasian
desert lizard body on Kendermore. I'd tell her that too her face, too.
So who wants to play afflicted kender, hmm? Who wants to feel dragonfear,
to taunt, swing a hoopak, and RUN, of all things? To worry about the poisoned
needle in that lock? To get nightmares, of all things, and remember them? (Me,
I'd like to ride a nightmare!) Not I, said the fly, backed up by all the kender
who wished they could... could what? Back them up with a bit of spine and not
be afraid, or fly? Are you kidding? They're afraid of heights, for Fizban's
As I contemplated what to do about this great big red horned COW who's dumped
her fat, ugly, scaled, pathetic, lizard-legged, bat-winged excuse for an overgrown
Athasian desert lizard on Kendermore, it occured to me that she was 400 ft.
long from her pointy-headed snout to her dung-encrusted tail. (I don't like
her, didn't you guess?) With a bat-wingspan to match, and morning breath (dragonfire)
worse than a hung-over minotaur. This, coupled with the encouragement of my
Narrator, has managed to temporarily convince me not to go and kick Malys's
snout. (I don't want to touch that tail..) I'm not counting on the Kendermore
kender.. afflicted, affected, whatever. They can go hole up with the Que'shu,
and wait it out.
But I'm not putting up with it. There's no way I'm letting Malys get away
with this. Sticking around with a legionaire has put a few ounces of self-worth
between my topknots, so I'm just looking for help. I figure we kill off Malys
and convince a nice green dragon or three to put Goodlund back the way it was,
and then we're ok. Then, we just convince the green dragons to leave.
My most immediate plan-stopping problem is this: I'm stuck in Silvanesti!!!
May Your Hoopak Swing True... right between Malys's beady little pig eyes!
Post Script: Anyone got some good maps to trade? Specifically, ones that detail
a sla'mori or two out of Silvanesti? We already collapsed the tunnel ol' greenfeet,
Cyan Bloodbane, was digging back in.. KT